Our Baby That Almost Was

I know this is a personal thing to write about, but since I hope to put this blog together like a book chronicling our lives one of these days, I do not want to skip over this important occurrence that changed us forever.

From the very beginning of this third pregnancy, things felt different from the other two. I felt great--very little nausea or fatigue, and when I felt those symptoms they were very mild and infrequent. With Zach, I didn't find out I was expecting until I was 9 weeks along. Since I was not looking for any symptoms, I cannot recall any of them early on. My first clue that I was pregnant was round-the-clock nausea that began at 7 weeks and took me two weeks to finally look into. ;) With Zoey, we were a bit more focused, and I knew immediately that I was pregnant because the fatigue hit me like a ton of bricks. I could barely get out of bed in the mornings for the first few weeks. I don't remember when the nausea began, but it was similar to my first pregnancy in intensity and duration. With Zach, I didn't feel any kicking or movement until 20 weeks, but with Zoey, I felt movement close to 12 weeks, which is super early. I was coming close to the 12 week mark with this third pregnancy, and hoping to feel some stronger evidence of the child inside me.

So for most of this pregnancy, I really haven't felt pregnant, as compared to my last pregnancies. My doctor didn't have an opening until I was going to be 12 weeks along, and since I was nervous about not having strong symptoms, I bought a fetal heart doppler online so I could try to detect the baby's heartbeat and stop my worries. It arrived at 9.5ish weeks, and though it specifically says it is meant for use past 12 weeks, there were many online reviews that reported finding a heartbeat at 9-10 weeks. I tried, and sure enough, I found a faint heartbeat, though it was with difficulty and uncertainty.

I worried a lot about miscarriage with every pregnancy--especially the first, since I went so long without knowing I was expecting. I had taken many medications, spent time in super hot jacuzzis, and done a bunch of other little things that are pregnancy "no-nos." With Zach, we were both astounded and relieved to see a tiny 11 week baby kicking, jumping, and dancing on the sonogram screen!! We were so worried he'd have two heads or something! I had similar worries with Zoey, more due to motherly paranoia than actual substantive reason for worry. Since this was my third pregnancy, and I had zero problems with the other two, I was a little less worried, but definitely suspicious of feeling so great.

It was still a shock to awaken to symptoms that should never accompany a healthy pregnancy on the Friday marking my 11th week of pregnancy. I was immediately concerned and frightened, and called the doctor. Corey gave me a blessing and started Googling possible causes. I felt quite nauseous on the way to the medical center, which I hoped was a good sign. I tried to stay positive and think good thoughts instead of giving in to the impending despair. But when the sonogram picture came onto the screen and there was a small, still, formless mass instead of arms and legs wiggling, I knew things were not okay. My sweet doctor informed Corey and I that there was no heartbeat, and that the baby was measuring 6.5 weeks rather than the 11 weeks it should be.

I spent most of the morning in tears as I received well-wishes from friends and loved ones. I decided to go into work for a half day to help get my mind off things. Looking back now, I think I would have rather spent that time with my family, since time with Corey is pretty rare these days. It's hard to make decisions in those moments, and I honestly did feel a sense of duty to my patients. Lame. It did allow me to focus on something else, but I don't know how productive that is when you should be grieving. I also worked all day the next day, but we were able to go to the temple on that evening, and that brought much peace.

It's such a surreal feeling. I am technically still pregnant, but in the process of losing this baby. We are hoping to be able to have another child soon. The days and months until that hopefully happens will likely feel like an eternity to me. One thing this experience has taught me is to be so grateful for the two perfect angels I already have. It is such a miracle for them to make it here safe and sound. I have so many areas in which I desire to improve, especially as a mother. I want to be truly worthy of those spirits God has entrusted me with. I'm sure there is still much to learn from this trial. It is so tragic that miscarriages are so very common, but it means that many can be completely empathetic and offer compassion that would not have been possible had they not endured the same misfortune. (I know that those that have not been through this are also offering true compassion. :)

Announced the pregnancy with these T-shirts. 

One irony of the situation is that I had just made the announcement at Relief Society, at work, and on Facebook, and was about to blog about it, since I thought I had heard the heartbeat and thought I was far enough along to be "safe" in telling the news. We announced the other pregnancies around 11-12 weeks, and I didn't want to keep this one quiet for so long. On the bright side, we have received an outpouring of love from friends, family, church members, and my colleagues. Sometimes it is better for people to know what you are going through so that they can pray for you and serve you. Things are going better each day. The tears are drying up. We are now in need of prayers that there are more Wilhelmsen babies getting ready to come to our home. We will also do our best to be contented with what we have, for we know we are blessed beyond measure.